Deranged

sorry for borrowing jiajie's msn nick....but i think...i might just really become deranged anytime. or crazy. or whatever.
i dont know how to express what i am feeling. but i think i am losing my mind sooner or later, or maybe i have lost part of it already.

All the best for all the Senior's FYP.

recently i analysed myself to see what i am good at, it seems that i suck at almost everything useful and excel at many things useless. or maybe not useless but things that won't bring me far. In conclusion, i am quite a failure. lol.

hello. so long haven't blog.

basically i am physically and mentally tired.

Been cranky lately and going around ranting and complaining about almost everything under the sun.

It has come to the point i have lost certain feelings (i think) and can;t be bothered about certain things already.

haiz. whatever.

i don't really know why I am posting this, and not even sure whether anyone still reads my blog...

but after these few weeks of internship...

especially everyday after work...

and after so many years...even though I do have my friend's company sometimes...

i know i shouldn't be saying this but...

I am feeling lonely.

I love my SIP company, cos it is of providence.:)

End of my last POL-ITE games

I was really wishing that i could play for tp for my last POL-ITE games...i didnt get into the team in year 1, got in in yr 2 and 3, but nvr got the chance to play in polite. (i played once in ivp)

Although i was psyching up myself throughout the whole journey to ngee ann poly from my workplace, i also tried to mentally prepare myself for not being chosen. I know i will be able to take it but i will be bound to be sad.

I tried to engage in a conversation, but i think that it will only make it worse, cos the other party seems to be totally uninterested and sian. so i went down to buy some takoyaki, went outside to eat alone, and told myself that at the end of the takoyaki i will go back into the hall with smiles and not affect other people.

But i was really disappointed, as i am really prepared to play. emotion took over my rational side and i started talking rubbish. It is the first time I this kind of feeling is so strong, as i know, if i miss this chance, i will never, ever have the chance to play in a pol-ite game(unless i retain la, which i dun want). I never really wanted to play so much. the other times i requested to play was half hearted and sometimes for fun. But this time i just felt different and very emotional, even to the extent of nearly tearing, cos i really, really, wanted to play. It's like, to me, either now, or never already.

After the whole event, i thought about it seriously, and understood and respect the coach's decision.

Yes, i should train harder, so that I will have more reason to play in coming IVP.

I didn't want to face coach at first not because i am angry with him, but rather i don't want him to see my sulking/disaapointed face. So i avoided contact with him in the earlier part of the event.

I understand why everything has happened, i am cool about it, but it is just that emotional side which i couldn't shake off. Sorry people, i guess i am human too, i am not programmed to be fully rationale emotionally.

But i guess at the end of the day, we still won a bronze, and our girls retained their gold. made some new friends, learned some new techniques, learned some new tactics(physically and psychologically).

I didn't go to the outing after dinner not because i am buay song or what, just tired and don't really feel like going due to some other reasons.

And since i prayed that i will accept whatever the outcome God has prepared for me, i shouldn't be complaining so much.

But dear reader, i am really happy for my team and i assure you all that this time is the loudest i ever cheered ever since i started playing table tennis.

And dear reader, please do not assume that this is like 100% of what i really feel, just some main points which i hope the dear reader will understand and not assume, discriminate or jump to conclusions. There are certain things i don't wish to write about.

Anyways, Well Done! Kudos to Team Temasek Table Tennis! Proud to be part of the team.

what if you are confused

you know what to do

but you dont know what to do

and you dont know whether whatever you know what to do

is the correct thing to do?

When many factors seem to tell you it's right

while many factors tell you it's wrong

in one day you might think it is right

but upon further thinking

you think it just might be wrong?

Therefore, i do nothing.

When in doubt, Just Wait.